Match.com and other dating services, capitalize on our societal belief that being married leads to a fuller and happier life. While there are a growing number of strategies for meeting others, many single people have difficulty finding a mate and worry they’ll be single forever. Did you know that the average single person will go on 100 dates and have three to ten “loves” before he or she marries? We’re clearly a busy, aggressive society and we spend more hours than ever working at our jobs. Finding leisure time for casually meeting others is severely limited. Single parents are especially handicapped by commitments to raising their children, attending school and sports functions, etc. When they go out on a date, they don’t feel they can waste time on a poor prospect.

With limited time for dating, how can we make the most of the time we set aside for meeting someone special? In general, with each new love, we tend to establish deeper and more realistic relationships. Yet, with all this learning, more than half of all marriages end and an even greater number of second marriages result in divorce.

Hence, some researchers question whether any particular dating or premarital experience really helps us make a wiser choice for a mate. Psychological studies offer very limited advice on how to load the dice in the direction of marital success. Let’s take a look at some of these findings:

	Similar social-economic, religious, ethnic and racial backgrounds of couples are somewhat beneficial. Yet, these factors are still not highly predictive of marital satisfaction. I suspect they merely make it easier for two people to agree on life goals, values, family expectations, etc. My experience with couples suggests that similar levels of commitment to making their marriage work may be a much more crucial factor.
	Good relations with one’s parents are slightly correlated with better marriages. Here again, if we’ve developed the skills to form strong, positive bonds with our family, it seems likely we’ll be better equipped to establish a strong marital bond.
	Women with warm, caring fathers tend to be attracted to trustworthy men. Women with cold, distant fathers tend to date less trustworthy men. Men with cold or inconsistent mothers tend to date more anxious women, resulting in more relationship problems. Some of the research evidence suggests we seek partners similar to our parent of the opposite sex. My experience with couples has found that many people tend to choose partner’s most like their mothers. After all, our earliest and strongest relationship is most often with our mother during critical stages of emotional development
	A strong predictor of marital satisfaction is linked to “how well a couple communicates before marriage.” If your partner is not very communicative and interactions are largely argumentative, don’t assume it will change after marriage. It is a big mistake to believe that your partner will change. Go into the marriage knowing that “what you see is most likely, what you’ll get!”

When you have a high degree of self-knowledge and self-awareness, you'll probably have a jumpstart on finding a good life partner. Knowing what you want in your life, as well as in a relationship, can prepare you for choosing a lasting one.

What should you search for in a good marriage partner? While we all have different preferences, expectations, attractions, etc. there are some things we should all look for in a potential mate. A good partner should have a variety of skills, such as social-communication skills, both with you and with others. They should be capable of emotional intimacy, demonstrate emotional maturity and possess control of his/her emotions. Tolerance and affection towards you and others, respectful and egalitarian viewpoints will also help you negotiate differences as they arise. Having similar interests and values to yours can help you and your partner prioritize family goals. A good partner should also have the ability to be responsible and earn an adequate, steady income. Finances are common fodder for the mill, so having similar beliefs around money is helpful. Effective problem-solving and conflict resolution skills will allow the two of you to manage conflicts and resolve them. Remember, healthy partners fight just like other couples, but unlike dysfunctional partners, they are able to come to a mutual resolution. The ability to resolve a conflict is crucial.

We know that for a relationship to pass the test of time, there needs to be more than a strong physical attraction. The exact keys to a great match are often not clear, however, even to the person in love. An individual’s psychological fears and needs often give rise to foolish choices about potential partners. Unfortunately, many people don’t tend to distinguish between being “in love” and being in a good love relationship.

I believe selection of a life-long partner is the most important decision an adult can make. If we choose well, we will have a safe confidant, a supporter, a lover, and a committed mate for life. Too often, we don’t consciously choose. Oftentimes, we react primarily to “chemistry.” While chemistry is one of the essential ingredients in a great relationship, it is not enough to sustain a long-term marriage. Our best choices are rationally and carefully thought out, paying attention to our gut instincts and making sure chemistry is also present.