Dr. Blume's Article of the Month

JEALOUSY: A DANGEROUS EMOTION
by Dr. Ginger E. Blume

Popular songs suggest that being in love means you’ll do anything for love. For instance, I’ve seen both men and women in my psychology practice who say they suffer daily due to a relationship with a highly jealous boy/girlfriend or spouse. Why do they tolerate their best friend’s false and ugly accusations? This article will explore the destructive dynamics set in motion by involvement with an overly suspicious, chronically jealous partner.


Fallacies of Jealousy

Jealous individuals are constantly on the lookout for some indiscretion by their partner. They compulsively check up on their partner, even when there is no objective data to suggest another lover is in the picture. Jealous individuals live a life of secrecy themselves. They frequently invade the other’s privacy, checking in purses, coat or pants pockets, computer files, etc. This sneaky behavior is justified by their suspicion that their partner could be interested in another person. After all, they reason, don’t they have a right to protect themselves from possible shame and humiliation of being made a fool of by their partner! When such irrational reasoning is out of proportion to reality, the individual’s ability to trust another human being is highly impaired. Their fantasies of possible betrayal are more about their own life insecurities than about the trustworthiness of their partner.


The Façade of Jealousy

Oftentimes, jealous individuals may appear self-confident and attractive, yet beneath their façade, they are anything but secure. Insecurity is usually rooted in early childhood experiences of poor maternal attachments, early loss and/or feelings of abandonment, and other forms of trauma. After all, the ability to trust is usually formed during the first few years of life. At other times, jealousy may be a symptom of an enduring personality disorder. Regardless of origin, jealousy undermines trust in any long-term relationship and sets in motion a destructive dynamic between two people.
 

Fear of Loss

It is not uncommon for the jealous individual to actually create the very thing s/he fears the most: loss of a loved one. As trust erodes over time due to the jealous person’s constant questioning of their partner’s motives, actions, and intentions, the partner may initially respond with reassurance. Reassurance, after all, seems like the natural way to respond to an upset partner. But, when jealousy is compulsive and out of control, reassurance only works for a short while. Eventually, the partner realizes that reassurance never solves the problem.

Regardless of their past behavior, they will always be “under suspicion.” Hence, sometimes the partner will begin to move psychologically further and further away from their jealous partner, since it doesn’t feel good to be seen in such a negative light by our loved one. In effect, the suspicious partner pushes the loved one away by holding onto them too tight and with such a negative accusation. This can led to a self-fulfilling prophecy, in which the very thing that is feared, is actually caused: the loved one leaves.
 

Devotion can’t cure

In many cases, the accused partner puts up with the accusations for many years, hoping their fidelity will eventually solve their partner’s insecurity. Unfortunately, their devotion doesn’t remedy a more deeply seated problem. The partner’s jealousy is largely independent of the other, as doubts reside inside the jealous person. If only “love could cure all.” Instead, the relationship operates under mistrust and fear and fails to thrive. It dies a slow and painful death.

Control issues become excessive as the fearful partner attempts to avoid possible loss. As this occurs, a balance of power becomes lopsided in the relationship. Love only works between two people of equal power, contributing and receiving roughly equivalent benefits from the relationships. We cannot complete our loved one’s missing pieces of self. A wonderful, elegant, and simple book by Shel Silverstein, The Missing Piece, provides a powerful, visual portrayal of how people inappropriately attempt to complete each other. It can be read in about fifteen minutes. It is a wonderful reminder of a truth about relationships.