Dr. Blume's Article of the Month
Hooked on Pleasing
by Ginger E. Blume, Ph.D.
Are you hooked on pleasing others at your own expense?
Are you the perennial nice person who wears a public “happy face” to
conceal your own displeasure with others? Do you give yourself to
others, sometimes to a fault? Do you avoid confrontations and conflict
at all costs? Do you need everyone to like you? If so, you probably fit
the profile of the typical “people pleaser.” You might wonder, “Why
should I worry; others seem happy with my style?” In this article I’ll
examine why it is a dangerous myth to believe that "people pleasing" is
a benign approach to people and life.
After being a guest on the Oprah show, psychologist, Dr. Harriet Braiker,
was encouraged by Oprah to write a book describing this common,
destructive psychological problem of people pleasing. In 2001, The
Disease to Please was published. The book detailed the various causes of
obsessive “people pleasing” and how to take positive steps to rid
oneself of this disease. Dr. Braiker points out that this style of
relating is particularly difficult to change because those who suffer
from it truly believe that by fulfilling other’s expectations, she can
prevent other’s rejection or anger toward her. She rationalizes that her
behavior is motivated by a desire to avoid hurting other people’s
feelings. This belief system helps maintain this exhausting habit.
Let’s look at a typical people pleaser, we’ll call Jane. Jane has been
married to George for 15 years and a pattern has developed in their
relationship. George plays golf every Saturday morning during decent
weather. In the winter months, George plays poker with the guys on
Friday nights. Jane works in merchandising for a large department store
and takes care of their two children who are very involved in sports.
Jane brags to her friends that George is a very social guy who has a lot
of talents. While she’d like him to be available to go out on the
weekends with her, she tells herself he has a stressful job as an air
traffic controller and needs time to unwind with the guys. George says
his wife is an angel and his buddies envy their relationship. Since she
never complains, George is totally surprised when Jane finally confesses
she feels tired, unhappy, and unmotivated.
Jane has sought therapy for herself because she feels depressed and
irritable. She believes she should be happy with all that George
provides (i.e. a $300,000 home, luxury car, etc.) and wonders what is
wrong with her. On the surface, the people pleaser looks like a nice
person who is just going overboard attempting to make everyone happy.
But, the people pleaser constantly struggles with where, when, and how
to draw the line between her own desires and the demands of others. What
she doesn’t understand, however, is that she is causing serious damage
to herself, others, and to those relationships that mean the most to
her. She is acting dishonest with herself and others, by not giving
herself permission to speak from her core. She is saying “Yes” when she
truly wants to say “NO.”
People pleasers are camouflaging themselves behind the cover of chronic
“niceness,” out of a debilitating fear of others anger, confrontation,
and rejection. These underlying fears drive the pleaser’s addiction to
receiving approval from others. Most of these fears are rooted in
childhood experiences of feeling devastated by rejection and anger from
significant others.
Recovery
The
road to recovery from chronic people pleasing involves examining all
aspects of yourself: your thoughts, feelings, motives, and behavior. The
book, The Disease to Please, describes the disease triangle and
helps you work toward changing your destructive habit in a routine and
concise manner. You’ll discover how to establish a balanced way of
living that allows you to still consider others, but within the context
of your own needs.
Recovery involves placing your own needs first and gaining your own
approval, rather than the approval of others. Your health and happiness
will depend upon your willingness to get back in touch with your inner
being and to express this self-awareness through your behavior in the
world. Of course, these changes will impact the people who live with
you, but ultimately, a more honest, open, and intimate relationship will
have a chance to develop and grow.
After The Disease to Please was published, Dr. Braiker told The
Times: "The issue is not to be so driven and compulsive about using
every moment. You can't possibly keep up. People tell themselves, 'I'll
relax after I've finished everything I have to do. They tell themselves
that downtime is a luxury after you finish. That's a wrongheaded way.
Downtime is what's important to do." In essence, Dr. Braiker was
pointing out the chronic level of self-pressure and self-imposed demands
that the people pleaser places upon herself and her inability to relax.
Trying to compulsively please others is like the donkey that chases the
carrot hanging from a rope in front of his nose, barely out of reach.
Just like the donkey, the people pleaser presses forward without any
real satisfaction associated with her efforts. I’ve seen these sufferers
finally stop chasing the proverbial carrot when they finally realize
they’ve created an internal myth that they’ve been chasing forever.
Then, and only then, do they stop motivating themselves with internal
talk that “promises” something better in their future “if only they try
enough or try harder.” When you stop saying to yourself, for instance,
“I’ll finally feel secure in my marriage if I just make him feel happy,”
you can then focus on your own feelings (“Am I happy in this
relationship? What do I need to feel fulfilled? etc.). Once we’re in
touch with our own genuine needs, then we can truly relate to another
individual in a satisfying and intimate manner.
According to Dr. Braiker, “self acceptance is about being on your
side—being your own ally, best friend and cheerleader. It involves being
friendly to your emotions, your struggles, your goals, dreams and
aspirations.” Seems to me that a dose of “self pleasing” might be just
the proper antidote to this disease to compulsively please others.
