Dr. Blume's Article of the Month

THE GUILTLESS "NO"
by Dr. Ginger E. Blume

"No" is one of the hardest words for women to say in the entire English language. We feel good when we say "yes", but it's not always realistic or possible. If you have difficulty saying "no", you'll
need to learn various strategies for increasing your comfort with this very important word. It's a word that will advance your career, keep your personal life sane, and provide a wealth of self-esteem to any woman's self image.

As we look at the inherent nature of females, we find a natural desire to connect with others. Women are natural born pleasers. This may partially be a genetic or "wired in" survival instinct. Since women are the ones to give birth, they must stay clearly focused on the infant's needs in order for that infant to survive. Now, add to this biological predisposition to nurture others, a cultural push to please.

There is no societal permission for females to set limits on the amount they give. It is understandable that women have difficulty setting boundaries and saying, "No". Psychologist, Kevin Leman, called this the "Avis Complex"---a term for women who always "Try harder" no matter what the odds.

We all need to know when and how to say the word, "No." However, due to early childhood messages, females in general have greater difficulty using this word than most males. Traditionally, women have been reared to be accommodating and helpful to others. The word "No" seems to defy this early childhood training. Because most young girls haven't had permission to use of the word "no" while growing up, they feel awkward with the word on their tongue. When something is forbidden, it frequently takes on a hidden power or mystique. Today, women seem confused and frightened by the power of this small word. Sometimes, women are unclear on the meaning of the word. That is, women wonder if saying "no" is rude, mean, or uncaring. Just because someone doesn't want to be told "no" doesn't make it a bad thing to say.

Women must realize that their earliest sense of self was organized around being able to maintain affiliations and relationships and to nurture others. Hence, when they engage in behaviors that could possibly disrupt these connections (i.e. saying "No," asserting one's differences, etc.) they enter an emotional area of extreme anxiety.

In the book, Toward a New Psychology of Women, J.B. Miller defined this anxiety as akin to loosing one's self. Women have been socialized to sacrifice large parts of themselves to meet their affiliation needs and obligations. A woman's personal growth is stymied when she comes to believe she is doing something wrong if it isn't for someone else's benefit. To do for herself raises false guilt that stops her dead in her tracks. Hence, by focusing on other's needs, she looses her own inner barometer. It is this very barometer that defines one's sense of self.

By adulthood, many women feel crippled when confronted with
situations requiring a strong "No" in response to another person's
unrealistic demands and requests. While uncomfortable to go
against one's genetic and cultural grain, it is essential to develop this assertive skill. The only way to become comfortable with any new behavior is to practice using it. By learning to say "no" in an assertive manner, women can avoid feeling chronically guilty. After all, guilt is only appropriate if you say "no" in an aggressive manner. No is not a dirty word.

Having received little opportunity or cultural permission to say "no," women frequently need guidelines for using the word. Here are some key pointers for practicing and skill building:

The inherent rewards for saying "no" and sticking to it are usually delayed in time. That is, people are not likely to initially appreciate your change in behavior. They may react with anger, disbelief, retaliation, and so forth. However, over time you'll begin to feel the positive repercussions of being assertive when you notice others acting with more respect toward you. All good relationships have at their basis, mutual respect. Aretha Franklin's song, R E S P E C T, tells it like it is.

In the context of business, women are often frightened to set clear
boundaries or turn down other's requests of them. The word "No,"
is the strongest boundary setter of all. Most professional women
understand the logical reasons behind the need to use these assertive skills, yet they still have difficulty implementing them. Strong emotional issues can cloud their thinking.

Sometimes, fear is the emotional block that stops a woman from
setting a firm boundary at work. Various fears might include:

Ultimately, these fears link back to the root fear of being rejected and abandoned by or disconnected from others. The overwhelming need to please is like an addiction, with the goal of receiving approval from everyone, a powerful and demanding stimulant.

As women advance up the professional ladder, they are often confronted with the lone male shark near the top of the hierarchy.
Sharks are focused, goal-oriented, and intent on getting and keeping "the best to be had". Sharks are often lean, mean, killing machines.

Women at the upper levels are more analogous to dolphins. They are intelligent, sensitive, and like to work in cooperative groups. One might wonder if a dolphin can survive a shark attack? The answer is yes. The less aggressive dolphin can defeat a lone shark by using their cooperative group behavior to defeat and survive.

This metaphor carries a powerful and important message for the
woman who is advancing toward the top of her profession.
Furthermore, as companies downsize and decentralize their operations to compete in a fast-paced global market, the lone shark model of management becomes obsolete. People at all levels must be given power to respond creatively and rapidly to the changing market place.

A company cannot be responsive to customer needs if a top-down decision making process is relied on. Dolphins are well equipped for this new empowering style of doing business: sleek and fast, customer oriented and cooperative. The dolphin manager can be both assertive and retain their pleasing personality.

A Carnegie study made an interesting finding to support the dolphin's future success in business. For men and women alike,
success in business depends only 20% on technical skills and competency. The other 80% of success depends on the individual's positive personality. So never believe you must act like an aggressive shark to succeed in the marketplace. People like doing business with pleasant people.

In summary, once you've developed the ability to say "no" to
others, you will have also gained the ability to say "yes" to yourself. As your behavior changes, you'll discover your personal barometer and feel more in control of your life. And remember, a pleasing personality is not the same as needing to please. You can only please and respect others when you please and respect yourself.

Isn't it time to say "yes" to "no.”?

TAKE THE TEST: MEET THE CHALLENGE

Do you fit these characteristics of the dependent woman?

1. Acts compliant. Does not see that she as power to choose. Internalizes expectations of others.

2. Sees herself as having limitations Does not see options for developing internal resources for counteracting these limitations.

3. Manipulates her social system to get positive feedback.

4. Avoids thinking, taking action, and taking responsibility for herself.

5. Prefers the company of men---they are more okay and are, therefore, in a position to confer approval on her. Men give her a sense of self worth.

6. Assumes positively sanctioned roles---most of them under a male boss (wife, mother, nurse, secretary, mistress).

7. Believes that unless she has a man, she is a loser.

8. Views normal needs for nurturance and intimacy as indicators of inadequate control and lack of independence.

9. Gives but can't receive.

10. Blames self for other's behavior.

11. Has low self-esteem.

Remember . . . if you recognize yourself in many of the above statements, self-knowledge is the first major step toward change.
You can't reach your goal unless you first know where you are starting from. Through small, do-able steps, you will ultimately arrive at your goal. Most change occurs in increments. Most change occurs when our desire for something different, plus an awareness of how to get there is stronger than our resistance.